ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are frequent cruisers. That means we share spaces such as elevators, dining rooms, theaters, lounges, etc., with fellow cruisers we don't know. We have always had pleasant times interacting with others.

On our most recent cruise, we encountered an older couple -- sometimes in the elevators, sometimes in our top-tier lounge -- who either don't shower, don't use deodorant, or both. The body odor was overwhelming. It was noticeable within 10 feet of them.

We simply moved away or left the area when we ran into them, and would even get off the elevator on the wrong deck just to avoid the smell. It was really bad.

We noticed others doing the same, and we invariably caught each other's silent, knowing expressions as to the problem.

I couldn't imagine sitting near them at dinner or, heaven forbid, sharing a table. We would have had to leave.

How would you handle this? If it were a friend, or someone I know or work with, I would have no problem approaching the issue politely, but this seems a unique situation. Is this an issue for guest services to address, by perhaps leaving them a note and some toiletries?

They might have been very nice people, but no one will ever get to know them under these circumstances.

GENTLE READER: While you are right that any actions taken will depend on the relationship of the actor to the odiferous couple, let us be clear that there is no positive duty for you to act.

It would be rude of you -- as you do not know this couple or their circumstances -- to presume to speak to them about the situation, although you are free to ask guest services to reseat you if you find yourself at their table. The staff -- all the way up to the captain -- have no such luxury, and will just have to be polite and soldier on, if that is the right phrase for naval personnel.

You may get off the elevator at the wrong stop, but let's cut out the knowing looks -- which might easily be seen, and understood, by this couple.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's third cousin, whom we've never met and with whom we have no personal relationship, has been compiling a family tree. Apparently she heard through another relative that one of our sons got married.

Now she is asking us via email to provide information about his wife (including her birth date and location), our other son's wife, the date of our marriage, and other details.

What is the mannerly way to respond? We would never provide information about our immediate family members without their permission, but we also have absolutely no interest in this family tree project and do not want to spend any time on it.

Ignoring the cousin feels wrong, and telling her we don't care about her hobby seems mean. But taking the time to gather the information she's asking for would be unfair to us.

GENTLE READER: The most mannerly thing would be to pass the requests on to your sons and their wives. The least troublesome thing would be to pretend you do not understand how email works.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN