ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you do when the duty to write thank-you notes overwhelms any genuine sense of gratitude?

In my own upbringing, reciprocity and eagerness to give were prized over the finer points of expressing gratitude, and I confess that my gratitude muscle has suffered as a result. I am trying to strengthen it by practicing writing thank-you cards, starting with large events, such as my wedding and baby shower.

The endeavor has now lasted a couple of years, and I still have not finished with the thank-yous for either one. Meanwhile, other holidays, birthdays and events have come and gone, and while I do try to thank each gift-giver verbally, whether in person or on the phone, writing notes for each gift just seems like too much to be done during an already busy phase of life. This is also usually immediately following a time of upheaval due to planning, gift shopping of my own and major life changes. I am already exhausted, and the condition of my home is suffering for it.

On top of this, I still try to give to others what I can of my time, love, energy and resources, as I was raised to do. It seems like there is not time or energy left in the day to write.

I am most concerned about the task becoming a bitter chore and source of anxiety, crushing any real gratitude. How do you manage the task so that the expressions are genuine? Or is this a difficulty you have not encountered?

GENTLE READER: It is clear to Miss Manners that you can, in fact, manage to pen a heartfelt and genuine letter. Because you took three paragraphs to insist that your life is busier and more exhausting than those of the people who took the time to give you a present.

You will be relieved to hear that a good thank-you letter need only cost you about half that space and energy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a fairly new mother of one child. After working hard to clear my work schedule and afford a family vacation, we're finally here! The issue is all the other parents.

Every time I grab a cocktail and head to an expansive lawn to toss a ball to our dog or kick a ball to my daughter, four or five other kids descend. I would love nothing more than for my daughter to find a playmate, but it seems that I just end up running playtime.

GENTLE READER: As soon as the children start descending, look around for parents -- or loudly ask the children where they are. (If the children are not old enough to respond, just get louder.)

Once the parents have been located, say to the kids, "You might want to tell your parents that you are here, because I'm not sure how long we will stay. And we don't want to abandon you."

That last part, Miss Manners feels certain, will put the parents on high alert -- that they should either collect their children quickly or be prepared to take over playtime.

========

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN