Just Ask Troubled Relative How They're Doing
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have seen a close relative in the news for something nefarious. I know they must be upset by the reports, and I sincerely feel bad for them, as I know this action was out of character.
Should I acknowledge the incident and comfort them, or just ignore the whole thing? I want to let them know things will be OK, but don't want to embarrass them.
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners notes that the action was not, however, so out of character that you appear to have any doubt about the facts.
The approach to take is to ask how they are doing. You will not need -- or want -- to mention the incident directly, or even add any special inflection when you ask how they are. Most people are well-informed about their own lives, so they will make the connection and you can then follow that lead.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was dealing with someone who was complaining about a political situation, which he said made him feel very sad and scared. I replied, sincerely, that I was sorry he felt so bad about it and I hoped he felt better soon. Then he complained about "people who say they're sorry but are really insincere about it."
Is there any way to express my sympathies about how bad he felt without agreeing with his view of the situation?
GENTLE READER: There is, and you already did it. The best way to avoid a fight with someone who appears to be seeking one is not to worry yourself about subtext.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband died unexpectedly three months ago. It was a shock and I am not OK.
But sometimes I have to go grocery shopping. As I start to move around in the world again, people stop me frequently and ask how I'm doing.
This is difficult to answer, and I understand they are trying to be kind. But then they often go on to share with me painful stories of the spouse, sibling, child or dear friend they lost, and how hard it was for them.
I think this is an effort to show solidarity or demonstrate that I'm not alone in my grief. But it ends up with me shouldering the burden of gathering heartbreaking, sometimes traumatic, stories as I go through my day. This near-constant reminder of how unhappy people are inside is not making things easier; it's making me want to go back to hibernating.
When someone, maybe with good intent, starts oversharing, how do I politely get them to just ... not? I'm sure their pain is real and that they also need support, but I am not the person to give it right now.
GENTLE READER: "Thank you so much for asking. I'm still at that stage where everything reminds me of my loss, which is why I am not going out. I would love to see you again and talk more when I'm able to. Excuse me." The difficult -- but critical -- next step is then to walk away.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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