ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm actively involved in a local writers group. Even though I'm a bit younger than the average member, I have more training as a writer, having earned a graduate degree that has led to a few publications. After joining, I took it upon myself to set up and run the email list that gets the weekly prompts out to the writers. I enjoy this.

What I enjoy less, however, is when other members tell me to do things, rather than ask. It's not unusual for any one of them to say, "Send this out," "Add this person" or even, "Read this and let me know what you think."

I once said to them, "'Please' and 'thank you' go a long way," and they were better for a while, but not for long.

Looking ahead to a time when my career keeps me busier, I'm curious how I should handle future such demands on my time. What might Miss Manners suggest as a polite way to get the point across that I'd rather be asked than told what to do?

GENTLE READER: "I don't mind doing things for the group, but my schedule gets busy. Please make your requests in advance so that I can do my best to accommodate them."

Miss Manners is aware that this approach puts the focus on scheduling, not etiquette. But it will make the point that your time is valuable and not available on command. And that other members of the group must pose these favors as requests, not demands.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I accompanied my wife to the funeral of a former co-worker. Afterward, at an informal reception, my wife was chatting up a man I recognized from high school debate competitions 50 years ago. We chatted amicably for five minutes before I politely moved on to another conversation.

Two days later, I received an invitation to connect with this gentleman on social media. He followed up with a message saying it was nice to see my wife and me again, and, by the way, he had been surfing through my history on the internet. He was sorry that I "seemed to have had a frustrating career."

I chose not to respond to his message. However, I am curious: Would there have been a polite response to his description of my work life? I had a challenging and rewarding career, much of it in publicly held positions.

GENTLE READER: You could have said just that -- and then privately searched your internet history for hints of why he would have possibly thought otherwise. But yes, Miss Manners agrees that his rudeness justifies your ignoring his comment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a problem that has bothered me for quite some time: Why do servers at restaurants always greet us with, "How are we doing?"

Why "we"? Are they going to sit down with us to eat? I don't see that happening. What ever happened to, "How are you doing?"

I think it's slightly pretentious. The servers are not with me, my wife or our guests. Why must they include themselves into their greeting?

I must have fallen off the truck somewhere along the way.

GENTLE READER: We hope that you are OK.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN