ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've witnessed many women leaving their purses unattended in the toddler seat of grocery carts. They will turn their back to the cart to look for an item nearby, usually for less than a minute.

However, a couple weeks ago, I turned into an aisle at the grocery store and there was a cart at the other end of the aisle with a purse sitting in the toddler seat. I stopped and waited for about three minutes before a woman came around the corner, put an item in the cart and moved along. She picked up a few more items, paid for the purchase and left the store.

I was wondering if I should have said something to her, since she had intentionally left her purse unattended for a minimum of three minutes. If so, what should I have said?

I don't want to approach someone if this is none of my business or could possibly result in a confrontation or rude rebuke. However, I would like to be helpful if it will help prevent a theft.

GENTLE READER: Your duty to intervene increases with the value of the object and the likelihood it will be purloined. You would presumably not be asking if it were a question of, "Mister, hands off that baby." Or "Get your own can of peas -- this one is taken."

The case you describe may exceed the normal deference shown to the foolishly risk-tolerant. Absent a robbery in progress, however, speaking still requires an apologetic tone: "Excuse me, forgive me for saying anything, but there have been some recent thefts of unattended items and you might want to keep an eye on your purse."

You will forgive Miss Manners the invention of these "recent robberies," but it is necessary: Sharing information is helpful, while telling someone how to behave is rude. Combined with not intervening too often, this will minimize the number of rude responses.

Just do not be surprised that, when you do say something, the immediate reaction will be to clutch the purse and look at you as if you are a robber.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a restaurant eating spaghetti, and through my own carelessness, a meatball rolls off my plate and onto the floor, coming to rest near my feet.

Should I let it be, leaving it for the waitstaff to find and deal with? Or should I dive down and pick it up, either with my hand or napkin? If I do pick up the errant meatball, where does it go?

GENTLE READER: Are you sure you want to wait that long for someone else to find it, presumably after the meal?

Miss Manners would be afraid she would forget, only to be reminded upon squishily standing up. Fearing the same outcome, not to mention an unpleasant reception should she ever wish to return to the restaurant, she would be reluctant to kick it further infield.

Someone has to dive for it -- either you, a tablemate who is nearer, or a waiter. It should be picked up with, and remain in, a napkin, warning the waiter what you are handing over when you ask for a fresh one.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN