ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one diplomatically, yet adamantly, state that guests should not bring a dish to supplement your holiday event?

I'm frequently asked, "What can I bring?" I always reply, "Your good cheer and appetite, please!" Inevitably, friends will show up with their award-winning dish and promptly put it on the serving line.

Unfortunately, there is the potential that their contribution is tainted -- and being the host, the unfortunate results are on me. The well-being of my guests is essential.

GENTLE READER: The idea that private dinner parties are always done cooperatively has now become so firmly ingrained in the American mind that it has taken on a whether-the-hosts-like-it-or-not urgency.

And this goes double on holidays, when cooperative meals are so common that no one believes in an exception. That there are hosts who prefer to provide all the refreshments -- or are infuriated to have others messing in their kitchens -- is dismissed as insincere politeness.

To justify stopping this, you needn't resort to invoking that dreadful scenario in which guests bring lethal treats and you are left responsible for murder. It is quite enough that it is your house, and you do not want to share the hostly duty of providing the dinner.

But as your mild little response is ignored, Miss Manners will have to provide you with something clearer: "Thank you, but I am doing the entire dinner, and I can't serve anything else." Or: "Please don't. I appreciate the offer, but it would only go to waste."

One more option: "I'm sorry, but the chef absolutely forbids any contributions to the meal." This last one is the strongest because chefs seem to hold the last positions that are still able to command authority.

Never mind that, in this case, you happen to be the chef.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I came across this statement on a social media page: "I hate being called 'ma'am.' Some people think it is respectful, but it is NOT; it is ignorance speaking. I know they don't know any better, but I have little tolerance for it."

I truly did think that using "ma'am" was a show of respect. Have I been wrong all these years? Why is it impolite?

GENTLE READER: It is respectful. But some people want to forgo respect in the vain hope of being taken for younger.

Miss Manners has noticed that nothing says Crabby Old Age so clearly as indignation at being treated respectfully.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My housemate is male, 73 and retired. He rises in the morning and spends his day in a ratty terrycloth bathrobe. He is naked underneath, and the robe is barely closed.

I refuse to sit down at a table or engage with him looking like this. He says I'm weird and silly. I think he's a pig.

We've never been anything but casual friends, and while he has a crush on me, the feeling has never been mutual. Is it just me, or do others think this attire is disrespectful and disgusting?

GENTLE READER: Disgusting is in the eye of the beholder, and as you are the sole beholder, you do not need an aesthetic judgment from Miss Manners -- unpleasant as she found the description.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN