ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While having a casual dinner at my parents' house, I noticed that my brother and his fiancee were wearing wedding bands. I texted my sister to ask if they had secretly gotten married, and she told me I needed to talk to our brother.

He finally called me tonight and told me that they did indeed go to the courthouse to get married. He explained that they are trying to buy a house, and that it is easier to get a mortgage when legally married.

I am the last in the immediate family to find out. I feel very hurt that I was not included in any of the initial announcements and had to find out by noticing wedding bands on their hands.

The icing on the cake is that they plan to keep this hush-hush and have a big white wedding next year -- they will have a ceremony, register for gifts and pretend to the entire extended family like they have not been married the entire time.

I think this is highly irregular and inappropriate, and it feels like lying. There is nothing wrong with a courthouse wedding, and I think it should have been celebrated in the moment, maybe with a nice dinner with close family.

I don't know how I am supposed to celebrate and support my brother now that he has gone about this in such an untraditional way, and I am having a hard time getting behind lying to our extended family members and friends. What is the best way to navigate this situation?

GENTLE READER: When he was young, did your brother tell his teachers that he couldn't take the test as he was in mourning because the dog died -- and then the next week complain that the dog ate his homework?

Miss Manners asks because he does not seem particularly adept at lying (as evidenced by wearing the wedding rings).

Separating a "wedding" from the act of marrying, as if the trappings were more significant than the ceremony, is no longer unusual -- although a year is a long time to wait between the two.

You are not required to lie about it to others, although this may be why they didn't tell you. But if he and his fiancee plan to wear their rings to the rehearsal dinner, perhaps you can offer to sequester the jewelry.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This may be a losing battle, but as an adult with a birth defect, I completely abhor the phrase "special needs" in all its forms.

People with disabilities have the SAME basic needs as everyone else. Shocking, I know! The accommodations may be more than others generally require to get to the same baseline, and may affect family routines, bonds and behaviors, but the needs themselves are not "special."

There are organizations that are trying to help correct this mindset, but do you have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners suggests compassion, dignity and an assumption of goodwill and good intentions. Also needed, she fears, will be patience in getting people to understand and change.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN