ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am retired and have millions of dollars. Trust me.

We tell people who are coming for dinner: DO NOT BRING ANYTHING. In fact, I have a memo that makes it incredibly clear that this is exactly what we mean. But some a-holes bring something anyway. The response from me is very unpleasant, and then my husband gets all uncomfortable.

We do not need crap brought by guests. We have a full-time chef, and we have planned every aspect of the meal. When someone brings something, it goes straight to the shed where our gardeners have their lunch. I tell people, "If you insist on bringing food, it is going straight to the gardeners. Why would you lovingly bake something for our gardeners?"

Or people bring ONE BOTTLE of wine, which is absolutely useless. We entertain; unless you are bringing a case, you are wasting your time and ours. In the old days, we would end up with two dozen INDIVIDUAL bottles of wine. What am I supposed to do with those?

Get my point? NO GIFTS means NO GIFTS. Why can't people follow a clear and direct request?

GENTLE READER: For the same reason that, even though Miss Manners does not much care for you, she would never say it. Because it is rude.

Certainly it can be annoying when people bring unwanted items to a planned dinner party, but screaming NO GIFTS because you are too rich to need anything is not a good look.

But perhaps you are putting her on. She certainly hopes so. Because she prefers not to believe that anyone who calls her guests names, is openly unpleasant to them, routinely makes her spouse uncomfortable and thinks their employees undeserving of lovingly made baked goods could possibly be real.

Either way, she is going to go find an INDIVIDUAL bottle of wine and drink it. Look, she found a use for it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I started attending weekly sessions designed to help with weight loss. I am the only man in the class, and the other members are unfailingly polite and pleasant -- save one.

One woman, with no hesitation whatsoever, immediately struck me with a barrage of personal questions: my name, my place of birth, my workplace and so on. Thankfully, the meeting began and silenced her.

I was brought up to regard uninvited personal questions as rude and impolite behavior. Should she again begin prying, would I myself be equally rude if I were to ask why she needed to know? Or could you perhaps suggest another reply that would discourage future questioning?

GENTLE READER: "My goodness, that's a lot of questions. Good thing these sessions aren't anonymous or we would be in danger of violating the ethics code!"

Never mind the logic here. Miss Manners feels certain that saying the words "violating" and "ethics" in a support meeting will be enough to give this woman pause. That and making sure that next time, you are seated far away from her -- and near one of the unfailingly polite and pleasant women instead.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN