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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We need major publicity to get across a matter of etiquette for concert and theater attendees: WAIT UNTIL THE CURTAIN CALL IS OVER AND EVERYONE HAS HAD A CHANCE TO TAKE THEIR BOWS BEFORE STANDING. ONLY STAND AT THE VERY END -- AFTER THE PRINCIPAL ACTORS TAKE THEIR BOW.

Directors could put such a notice in the printed program, or make an announcement, but that would be suggesting that they expect a standing ovation.

When parents stand for their kids during the first of the curtain calls, the short people in the audience can't see -- even if they are able to stand, which some are not. Those taking their bows later, for the principal parts, are seen only by the first rows and the very tall!

GENTLE READER: Please do not shout, even though you are understandably excited because your child got a leading role.

It is now common to precede all performances with a brief etiquette lesson -- to silence devices, to refrain from taking pictures, to avoid rustling candy wrappers and so on. Schools should certainly issue these and any other instructions that might head off offensive behavior.

But although Miss Manners agrees with you that the ubiquitous standing ovation is annoying, let us make a distinction here between an amateur event, such as a school play, and a professional performance.

In either case, it is a common mistake to believe that the audience must thank the performers. Rather, curtain calls are the time for the audience to express its reaction to the performance.

In the case of non-professionals, especially children, generosity should prevail over frankness. The idea is to offer encouragement -- or at least the reassurance that they did not make fools of themselves.

But at the conclusion of professional performances, the paying audience is entitled to express its opinion. If it is wildly favorable, they might stand. Unfortunately, this has become routine, and has therefore lost that meaning.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We did not receive an invitation to our niece's wedding. I am not aware of her new address, as she has moved out of her parents' home.

I am wondering if it would be appropriate for us to send a card or a gift in this situation.

GENTLE READER: This is the mirror image of the crass notion that a present is the price of admission to a wedding: that you shouldn't acknowledge the marriage because you have not been invited to the wedding.

Allow Miss Manners to explain the correct reasoning:

Someone who cares about the people involved in a wedding enough to attend will also want to give something symbolic of good wishes. Anyone who doesn't care all that much need only decline and offer written good wishes.

Cynics will say this amounts to the same thing, but the subtle difference is significant. It also illuminates your situation. Evidently you have good feelings (yes?), so you should express them.

One word of caution, however: Your relatives may subscribe to the mistaken pay-to-attend notion, and think they must now invite you because you have bought a ticket. If the ceremony has not yet taken place, therefore, it would be tactful to wait until it has.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN