Hopeless Romantic Doesn't Need To Change For A Man
DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like a hopeless romantic. I am what some people would describe as a "lover girl." I am sweet and sensitive, and I enjoy nurturing, helping and catering to my loved ones. What I thought was a beautiful trait in me seems to be my weakness. I often get taken advantage of by my romantic partners. I can't tell if I am too soft or kind, or if I am picking the wrong partners who are just not as loving as me. My best girlfriends have been encouraging me to be tougher with the men I date, saying that in their experiences, their nonchalant, stern or even unimpressed demeanors garnered more attention from their suitors. That doesn't feel natural to me. Why do I have to be mean for someone to appreciate my love? Is there a way to still be myself but uphold stronger boundaries? -- Lover Girl
DEAR LOVER GIRL: Instead of planning a personality change, which is both extremely hard to accomplish and not how you should live your life, make a list of the traits and behaviors that you appreciate in a partner and those you don't. Be as clear and specific as possible. When you meet potential partners, take your time getting to know them, and be mindful of how they measure up to your list. If they exhibit tendencies to be unkind, manipulative or condescending, move on. State who you are and what you are looking for in a relationship up front. You can even explain that you have been hurt in the past, and you want to avoid that now. Moreover, state what you want and see if you can attract that.
Obviously, you also need to be clear about your boundaries. You can be nice while saying no when someone attempts to cross a line.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am moving away from my hometown to a brand-new city hours away. I've lived here my whole life, and most of my friends are people I grew up with. I am 33 years old, and as I gear up to leave home for the first time ever, part of me expected bigger reactions from my loved ones. A few of my closest friends have expressed their disdain -- paired with joy for me of course -- but a lot of people seem unbothered by the fact that I won't be here anymore. One of my best friends hasn't really been present during the process of me finding a new home and job. Now that things are finalized and I'm three weeks away from moving, she's still giving me a hard time about scheduling time to see each other before I go. We've been best friends since we were 16. What should I make of this? -- Moving Away
DEAR MOVING AWAY: Your friend could be sad about your departure and unclear how to process it, or she could just be living her life. Rather than being hurt by what your friends are not doing, plan your life ahead. You are about to embark on a new chapter that requires you to be adventurous and willing to step out of your comfort zone. Focus on the journey before you. Do your best not to be upset about the way that your loved ones react. Thanks to technology, you will be able to stay in touch with them. Look forward with confidence.
========
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025, Harriette Cole
COPYRIGHT 2025 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.
Comments