Bystander Mad She Didn't Do More
DEAR HARRIETTE: I live in New York City, and the other day, I saw someone's phone get stolen, and I didn't do anything to help. I felt bad, but ultimately, I didn't want to get hurt or have anything stolen from me in the process. I'm a little bit older, a woman and not in the best shape, so I froze in the moment and told myself it was safer to stay out of it. It happened quickly; someone grabbed the phone right out of a man's hand and ran. There were other people around, and for a split second, I thought about yelling or trying to draw attention to what was happening. Then I immediately thought about the possibility of the thief turning on me or having a weapon. I convinced myself that it wasn't worth the risk. Still, I can't shake the guilt. I keep replaying it in my mind and wondering if I should have at least shouted, called 911 faster or done something other than just stand there.
I've always considered myself someone who cares about others and believes in doing the right thing. Now I'm questioning whether I failed some kind of moral test. At the same time, I don't think it's unreasonable to prioritize my own safety. If something like this happens around me again, should I try to intervene, or do you think I was right to stay out of it? -- Bystander
DEAR BYSTANDER: First, stop beating yourself up. It's understandable that you froze in the moment. Upon reflection, it's good that you see that there could have been other options. Yelling "Stop!" may have startled the phone thief. It probably wouldn't have saved the phone, but the victim would have appreciated it.
I don't think you should have run after the person, but calling out might help in the future.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am an openly gay and rather feminine man from the Midwest currently enrolled at college in New York City. Over the weekend, my college friends and I went out with some guys they know from another college upstate. The entire night, the men they brought were making microaggressions and homophobic remarks that made me feel like I was back in high school in the Midwest. When talking about the night with my friends, I felt like I was sucking joy out of the room and robbing them of their experiences. I don't want my negative experiences to hinder theirs; however, I do want them to know how the men made me feel. I don't know how to navigate this situation. Harriette, what do you think I should do? -- Awkward Encounter
DEAR AWKWARD ENCOUNTER: It sounds like you did what was needed. You told your friends how inappropriate their friends were and how it made you feel. While that may have created an awkward moment for them in the debrief, it hopefully also shows them it would have been nice if any of them had spoken up and asked the men to stop.
You can ask your friends to stand up for you in the future if they see that you are being bullied. You also might want to think about making new friends.
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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026, Harriette Cole
COPYRIGHT 2026 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.
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