Q. My 14-year-old son refuses to come to my home and I have no idea why. I’m supposed to see him a night or two during the week and every other weekend, but he just won’t come over. I don’t talk to his mother much and when we do, it’s not pretty. She tells me there’s nothing she can do. I think she’s probably badmouthing me and is secretly celebrating that she’s won. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. I’m guessing, but it’s educated guess.

First, you don’t talk to your son’s mother much and when you do, it’s strained. Parents don’t realize that if they keep the conflict going after the breakup, it puts their kids right in the middle. Their children are then forced to take sides; even if you think you aren’t asking them to do that, you are just by fighting with each other. Kids will put up with it for a while, but eventually, they don’t want to be in the middle of the bickering, and that’s when they take a side. Sounds like that side was mom’s.

Second, believing that mom thinks, “She’s won.” That’s proof right there your relationship is adversarial. Sounds like you believe you are the victim of mom’s bad behavior, specifically badmouthing, and I will bet she feels exactly as you do. Even if you think you never mention a thing to your child, he can tell how you feel about each other just by the way you roll your eyes or huff when their name is mentioned.

Parents tell me all the time that they don’t badmouth their co-parent in front of the children, but what about talking to a friend on the phone? Or complaining to your sister with them in the next room? Little kids have big ears and if you hold a grudge, I can tell you they know about it.

Plus, many parents don’t know what badmouthing is. They think it’s calling their co-parent a bad name or overtly speaking ill about them. That is definitely badmouthing, but so is, “Your father is always late, and it drives me crazy!” Or, “Your mother is so unorganized!” Talk like that for long enough and eventually your child will reject YOU. There are exceptions to the rule, sometimes kids start to identify with the parent who badmouths if the campaign of degradation becomes severe, but most of the time, the badmouthing parent becomes the odd man out.

What can you do? This is for both you and mom: Acknowledge that your son has the right to have a relationship with both of his parents. One of you is not better than the other. Stop bickering for his sake. No one is going to win, anyway. Look for ways to get along and make it obvious to your son that you are trying. The better you get along as co-parents, the easier it will be for your son to go back and forth between your homes. When he can see that you and mom are working together, he will feel less compelled to take a side and hopefully, he will resume his time with you.

Finally, consider co-parenting counseling. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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