Dear Kid Whisperer,

I can’t believe I am asking this, because it seems so simple, but I can’t figure out how to do it. How do I get my 4-year-old to clean her room? With my now-8-year-old, we would just tell her to do it, and she would do it. Not with our second. She says she’ll do it and then doesn’t. I threaten her with loss of privileges and then it causes a whole thing. This shouldn’t be this hard.

Answer: Yep. It shouldn’t be, but it seeming to be complicated to you is understandable and not your fault. In a world awash in terrible “parenting” (which shouldn’t even be a word) advice, common sense seems to be in short supply.

Common “parenting” ideas involve saying cute, fluffy things without giving any answers or solving any problems. Parents need practical answers to practical questions, not discourse about theories.

Here are some quick realities that are germane to your situation and that will help you understand why I am telling you to do what I am about to tell you to do. These are all currently unpopular in “parenting” books.

--Kids don’t usually listen to what we say.

--Limits that are not enforced are not limits, they are suggestions.

--Kids will sit up and take notice when parents take actions instead of saying words.

Here’s how I would set a limit one time, per lifetime and then enforce the limit with action.

Kid Whisperer (entering Kid’s messy room): Feel free to keep all of your toys, clothes and other possessions that are put away properly by 6 p.m. tonight. You know how to do this because we taught you. To help, since you’re just learning how to tell time, I’ll put this visual timer here. Once the red is gone, it will be 6 p.m. I love you. Good luck!

Kid: You seem to be overly confident about whatever it is that you are doing, but OK.

At 6:00:01:

Kid Whisperer enters a room that has the carbon-copy messiness of the room he exited an hour ago. Kid is in the exact place she was, blissfully unconcerned about the state of her room.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, no.

Kid Whisperer unfurls a very large trash bag.

Kid Whisperer: Everything I put in the bag will be donated to Goodwill.

Kid Whisperer starts putting all Kid possessions in the bag.

Kid: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kid starts frantically putting her possessions away. Kid Whisperer continues to take possessions off of the floor and places them in the bag. Thus begins a game show called “Whatever Kid Puts Away, She Gets to Keep!” Kid Whisperer does not say anything besides his Calm Signal (“Oh, no”) that he uses to stay calm, while he puts possessions in the bag. He takes those possessions to Goodwill.

If you think this sounds mean, ask yourself, what does my kid need more: the knowledge that when authority figures say things, they mean them, or a Barbie Dream House?

Also, how nice are you really being while you are lecturing, warning and threatening your kid? How nice is it to teach kids that when authority figures set limits, those limits can be ignored? Perhaps ask yourself, does this turn my kid into a better person, or a worse person? Could having the belief that limits aren’t really limits put my kid in danger?

This simple lesson will allow your kid to take a step toward being more responsible and safe while taking better care of the home that you share.

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