Word of mouth has it that my mouth isn’t as big as everyone thinks and that my foot (size 11 wide) isn’t stuck in it.

But the really good news is that an orthodontic resident said my teeth are in great shape because the retainers I use to keep my teeth in great shape are in — you guessed it — deplorable condition.

Sorry, I mean great shape.

That was the assessment by Dr. Eric Zhang, who is in his last year of residency at the Stony Brook University School of Dental Medicine on Long Island, New York.

I didn’t see Dr. Zhang last year for what was supposed to be my annual visit because my head is filled with teeth but not brains, so I forgot to make an appointment.

“You are still keeping your teeth in great shape,” he said after checking out my pearly whites, two of which are why I began treatment at Stony Brook.

My right upper lateral incisor and my left central lower incisor were crooked and needed to be rotated back to their original positions with invisible braces, which weren’t actually invisible because otherwise, let’s face it, how could I find them?

Once my wayward ivories were realigned, which saved me the trouble of going to a mechanic, I got retainers.

“You’re keeping them in great shape, too,” said Dr. Zhang, adding that they fit snugly over my upper and lower teeth, all of which are my own.

“Not bad for a geezer,” I said.

“At least you don’t need dentures,” Dr. Zhang commented.

“If I did,” I told him, “I’d cross that bridge when I came to it.”

When I asked the young doctor, who is 28, if he ever had braces, he said, “Yes, the metal kind. I was in middle school and it seemed like I had to wear them forever, even though it was maybe two and a half years. But the braces worked.”

To prove it, Dr. Zhang took off the mask that had covered his nose and mouth and flashed a perfect smile.

“Did you wear that mask because you thought I’d have bad breath?” I asked.

“You wouldn’t have been the first patient who’s had it,” he said.

“I brushed my teeth and used mouthwash,” I said. “I didn’t want you to faint.”

“That’s very considerate,” Dr. Zhang said. “But even worse than bad breath is gleeping.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“It’s a twitch in the muscles of the salivary glands,” he explained. “A thin stream of saliva shoots out.”

“Maybe you should wear a raincoat,” I suggested.

“Or scuba gear,” he said.

“Am I the oldest patient in the program?” I asked after saying that I’m 72.

“I can’t say because of privacy,” Dr. Zhang said.

“You can tell me,” I said. “I’ll probably forget anyway.”

“OK,” he said. “You’re not the oldest.”

“But I’m close, right?” I inquired.

The doctor flashed another perfect smile. He said I had one, too, because I brush and floss regularly.

He also complimented me on how good my retainers looked.

“How do you keep them so clean?” he asked.

“I used to use toothpaste, although not while I was wearing them,” I said. “Then I heard that dishwashing liquid works pretty well, but I figured the retainers would melt in the dishwasher. Now I put them in an ultrasonic cleaner. I could use it to clean my wife’s jewelry, too, but she doesn’t trust me.”

“You don’t want to have to buy her another wedding ring,” Dr. Zhang said.

“You took the words right out of my mouth,” I replied.

The doctor asked if I had any more questions.

“I had a crown put on my back left lower molar last year,” I said. “The bottom retainer fits over it, but it’s starting to get worn down. Do I need to replace it?”

“You won’t need a new one until next year,” Dr. Zhang said. “Just don’t forget to make an appointment.”

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