ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy having friends and acquaintances from different walks of life, and have found unexpected kinship with people who hold beliefs very different from my own. In other words, I try not to be judgmental. My natural inclination when meeting someone is to find common ground.

However, I recently found myself in a situation where a mutual friend introduced me to someone whose public statements and actions are so reprehensible to me that I had no desire to find whatever redeeming qualities the person may have. I was, in fact, ashamed at the connection with him that the introduction foisted upon me.

Is it ever permissible to refuse a connection as the introduction is occurring? And how would one do that?

GENTLE READER: Refusing an introduction is not only impolite to the person being introduced, but, more importantly, to the friend introducing you. All you have to do is say, "How do you do?" and then move on.

Notice that Miss Manners does not suggest saying any version of the common (but not etiquette-sanctioned) "It's nice to meet you," because she knows it is not.

But even if you slip and accidentally say that -- and you should say something, out of respect to your friend -- simply meeting someone does not a social connection make. Still, Miss Manners will understand if you move along quickly enough to make sure that no pictures are taken as evidence.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are white-painted fingernails and toes out of line as a wedding guest?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if your plan is to upstage the bride with your hands and feet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are the rules for attending operatic concerts relaxed when the venue is a public place, such as a park? Today at the local opera's annual concert, I gritted my teeth and said nothing to the sotto voce chatterers beside me. But when someone started loudly singing along, I turned and said, "Excuse me, but we want to hear him, not you." Was this a "draw" in relative rudeness?

Your books and columns have given me much pleasure.

GENTLE READER: But not much tact, Miss Manners notices.

Your sentiment was valid, but the words a bit harsh, making it indeed a draw. Next time, perhaps you could politely tell your vocalist that you are having trouble hearing the singer you came to see.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just gone back to work with a broken wrist. How do I stop people, in a polite way, from trying to grab at my arm?

I clearly have a cast on; however, several people think it's OK to try and grab my cast.

GENTLE READER: "Ouch."

If that, or swiftly dodging out of the way, does not work, Miss Manners suggests you try some protective padding -- an arm cozy, if you will. It will be a bonus if it also protects you against those who did not get the urge to write crude things on casts out of their systems in high school.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN