I See Your Two Pies, And Raise You Six Bottles Of Wine
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a divorced woman with no nearby family, so I am often invited to the homes of various close friends on holidays. Last year, I was invited to a Thanksgiving with about 30 people.
Upon receiving the invite, I offered to bring a couple of homemade pies. The hosts replied that they would instead like me to bring SIX bottles of wine, plus several containers of ice cream. I'm not the kind of person who brings cheap wine, so my contribution cost me about $150.
Upon arrival, I noticed that other folks brought more typical contributions, like a side dish, bakery items, etc.
Is there a way to respond to such a request, which I consider excessive and inappropriate, if it happens again? By the way, these people have plenty of money, so it's not a question of being unable to provide for their guests.
GENTLE READER: The next request will not be exactly the same, so Miss Manners is going to give you the means to construct a more general response.
What you should have said when asked was, "I would be so happy to do the whole dessert. I know a perfect ice cream that would go with the pies. But since it is 30 people, would you mind terribly if I don't do the wine?"
The key points to this answer were: You expressed excitement; you expanded what you originally offered -- thus meeting your hostess halfway; you made clear -- gently -- that she was asking too much; and you left the final determination in her hands.
You also declined to give reasons for your counteroffer (you don't know anything about wine; it won't fit in your car; you are allergic to cabernet), which would only have encouraged your hostess to haggle. Finally, you gave your contribution a name (dessert), which, to Miss Manners at least, lends the power of thematic unity to what was otherwise a mere shopping list.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have a close, loving relationship with my sister and her husband, despite living hundreds of miles apart. We speak frequently and make several overnight visits to each other's homes each year.
The problem is that my sister often invites friends of theirs, whom they see often, to their home when we are visiting. We do not care for their friends, and their conversations often devolve into discussions about people we've never met and neighborhood happenings we know nothing about.
How do we politely ask my sister not to invite her friends over when we are visiting?
GENTLE READER: If you were to ask your sister, would she not say she is trying to draw you into her circle and her life?
Miss Manners asks because if you dislike her friends only for talking about people you do not know, she agrees that is to be avoided -- but also thinks you might make the effort to get to know them. Paradoxically, she would only recommend speaking with your sister if you can put forward a more positive reason -- hoping to spend more time with her, rather than less time with people she likes.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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